Think have learned a new word. A new definition of a word I once knew.
the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.
Was told that I see the world in black and white. Felt kinda lost that the last few years are not documented. Least in a few more days, would be able to relive, somewhat, the younger twenties.
“It hurts to smile.”
The point is control. So long as am still in control, life goes on normally. It’s almost difficult to articulate that. To admit that am bordering, it scares me.
Going away to China again brings new experience. Alone with the person whom would least want to spend additional time with. Know have to face my demons someday, unless am willing to let it hit and run me over. Cannot be conherent under this circumstance.
° reading Kaysen again.